Entry letter to the Most Pathetic Mofo Contest by Leon Bibbs Who won a pocket T shirt that proudly says Most Pathetic Mother Fucker and a hat with the brim on the side that says Spazz The most depressing day of my life was when my sweet baby left me I felt so bad and alone / I didn't know what to do So I wet for a walk in the park and sat down next to an old man name bust a move Buster Now Buster was chewing his gums and wiping his face with a soiled hanky and sticking his tounge out and licking his nose as he gently fingered the hair growth on his ears He turned and looked at me with one eye closed and one eye wide the fuk open and and said "Son I've lived a long time and I can tell you got the blues, and only two things bring the blues, money and women , and you look like you been banged in the butt by both" "So let me give you a little fatherly advice / you got to be like my little dog over here licking his balls , if you can't eat it or screw it / piss on it" Then he let out a really loud fart / fell over and died And all I could think of as he lay there in the gutter was Damn that's a really long nose hair curling out of his nostril So I went through his pockets and found some loose change I picked it away from the tobacco crumbs and dried off the wet stuff on it with his shirt and went to the corner store and got a cappucino And as I sipped my French Vanilla I knew Buster was right And even tough she's gone there is more fish in the sea So I decided right them and there to just get my rod out and go fishin And as soon as my brother gets out of county lockup that's just what I'm gonna do He's got a car db

Gay Sports Hello sports fans and welcome to Today in Gay Sports with Roddy Schmelliker bringing you todays sports / sports news / sports scores all sports and nothing but the sports so help me sports The lead story tonight sports fans in Gay Sports is the tragic incident of Adrian Roundbottom Adrian had to be escorted off the field as his stunned teammates watched him throw a tantrum after the hysterical coach replaced him when he broke a nail with the teams newest draft pick Terry Lipscum ......the bitch Else where in Gay Sorts today sports fans Robin Sashay the grand old queen of the Memphis Sissies was honored for being the first fag to be inducted into the Gay Sports Hall of Flame There wasnt a dry eye in the park after Robin thanked the crowd and read her famous poem Made me Squeal Like a Pig Ok sports fans lets look at todays gay scores The Cincinatti Cock Gobblers beat the Kansas City Sweeties in a tight one all the way to the end with 7 to 6 The Tampa Bay Tampons aced the San Fransisco Homos after holding a hard and shaky lead 2 to 1 The Pittsburgh Pansies took a sore beating from the San Fransisco Fudgepackers as the Fudgepackers were on top of the Pansies the whole game with a final score of 10 to 000 And it was heads down for the the Philadelphia Flamos when they gave it up to the Albequerque Queers 8 to 3 Elsewhere in sports today sports fans the Mideastern conference is holding tight down to the wire as the as the Afghani Sand Niggers beat the Iraqi Dune Coons 3 to 1 in a playoff match and go on to meet the Kuwaiti Towel Heads after their amazing victory over the Libyan Camel Jockeys Anything can happen now since the Sand Niggers lost their star player Farouk bin Blechum when an elephant stepped on his face The Kuwaiti Towel Heads would have been picked the favorites in the up coming match but half the first string got blown up by a pipe bomb the coach was making to throw at an Israeli bus Well thats it for sports , sports fans , gay sports , home sports , world wide sports ,my sports ,your sports, every bodies sports sports , and I'm gonna keep on saying sports till it is subliminally imprinted on your brain , your subconcious , your bumper stickers and your casual wear sports sports sports sports sports sports sports db

Its A Classic The following is an excerpt of a PBS classical radio announcement Good morning this is Nigel Woodson on this mornings edition of classical showcase This morning we will be featuring a Romanesque Baroque composition by Heinrich Von Schlershheim the german composer of the arm band school of music who first performed this violin and cello piece for the archduke Ludwig Putzergruber in 1632 at the Weimer castle for a birthday celebration for the archdukes niece Frau Koppherdyken It will be presented today by Barney McGoo on banjo and accompanied by his brother-in-law Cletus Aintry on jews harp and will be followed by the sounds of fat people belching the tune of the William Tell Overture after a greasy and undercooked polish dinner copies are available on tape cassette or compact disc by writing to Shizzle my Pizzle Music Studios 1313 Mockingbird lane London England... Please enclose 12 euro dollars or a phony credit card number....for shipping and handling Now lets enjoy this 3 hour composition in B flat major seven to the 16th power square root divided by pi while I slowly thumb through a copy of Playgirl db

Berpla Grepps Berpla Grepps was a litle girl with big dreams Living in the mountain village of Shitonya in the musk region of Lower Slobovia The best she could hope for was to be laborer in spit factory or maybe a giant lint ball like her sister Skankya But all summer long she would sit among the mountain daises and speak to the trees about her fancy friggin ideas Grauspig Lumpzdik her boompa would try to sheild her by saying now Berpla dear , just settle and be ordinary , who do you think you are anyway you little whore, just enjoy life and be a loser like everybody else . Berpla would just smile at her boompa and hug him knowing that the old bastard was full of it and must be taking his impotence and rectal itch out on her And with hard work and dedication one day she would be a topless dancer Everyday she would practice her moves on the farm skipping around trying to avoid the cow flop But every night she would cry herself to sleep and dream about potato pancakes with onion seasoning lightly peppered and fried with swine guts to a golden brown But one special night her dreams had company Brandon Lee her fairy god crow and Buffy the vampire slayer brought her brownies laced with canabis sativa and told her that she would become a great lady and marry Poppa Shango and live in the big house up on the hill and together they would save her people from the killer bees When she woke up that morning her granny Woozikanish said to her " bright good morning Berpla dear sit down and I will make you some gruel and ovaltine " Berpla gave her the finger and said " back off shit for brains you smell like fish I'm going to spit factory to score some magic beans " Skipping gayly down the road and thinking of all the things in her dream last night she was run over by a drunk driver in a Frito lay truck and was squashed flat as a latka Well she never realized her dreams and everyone in town was strickern with venerial warts The spit factory closed down and the security branch of the right wing lesbian backed extremists of the muslim party and japanese karaoke club coalition took over and tortured everyone for days db

Bigfoot is an asshole man He came over to my place and got wasted Dude he drank all my beer after he finished up all my weed Do you think he even said thanks man ? Hell no! He just said "Hey man like what you got to eat man" Up his man. And then he's like looking my girlfriend all up and down and shit Man you want to find bigfoot go for it man Shit , I dont even want to ever see him again Bigfoot ?, shit Asshole man! db

Bloggerman He was blogging his ass off He was blog happy Blogging everyday Blog blog blog all the time Sounds like something a caveman would say Blog Thats what he was A high tech caveman No shoes long hair and beard Severe overbite wearing animal skins Sitting at the keyboard night and day Blogging away Freaked his girlfriend out She couldnt pry him away from the computer And what was Blog blogging about ? nothing ! absolutely nothing Just typing over and over and over again and again All work and no play makes Blog a dull Blog The only time he would take a break was to reach into a bucket and grab a fresh gecko to munch on Blog was serious about his blogging You could talk to him and he wouldnt listen If he responded at all he would just grunt out "Blog" You go for it Blog You the man db FRUITCAKE SALAD · WAVY DAVYS SPECIAL CHRISTMAS RECIPE FOR FRUITCAKE SALAD TO PROPERLY MAKE YOUR FESTIVE FRUITCAKE SALAD FOR EVERYONE TO ENJOY SIMPLY BUY A FRUITCAKE LOG FROM ANY OVER PRICED STORE IN YOUR AREA AND THROW IT IN YOUR CAR TRUNK UNTIL NEXT YEAR WHEN JACK FROST STARTS TO NIPS AT YOUR NIPS AND NOSE CLEAN OUT YOUR TRUNK AND BRING IT IN AND DONT FORGET TO GET RID OF ALL THE SHIT BACK THERE WHILE YOU ARE AT IT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO NEATLINESS AFTER ALL FIRST STEP IS TO PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE UNTIL IT IS A BIG GOOEY MASS WHILE STILL PIPING HOT EMPTY AN ENTIRE JAR OF MIRACLE WHIP SALAD DRESSING INTO A LARGE MIXING BOWL AND PUT THE FRUITCAKE INTO IT NEXT MASH IT WITH A POTATO MASHER BY HAND WHILE ADDING A CAN OF REFRIED BEANS FINELY CHOP UP SOME GARLIC CLOVES AND A GOOD SIZE ONION AND FRY TILL GOLDEN BROWN WITH LARD ADD TO THE MIXING BOWL BEFORE THE LARD TURNS BACK TO ANIMAL FAT FOR THAT EXTRA LITTLE TOUCH ADD THREE TABLESPOONS OF FRESH URINE AND A HEALTHY DOLLOP OF FECES LADEL OUT MIXTURE INTO A CASSEROLE DISH AND BAKE TILL THE HOUSE IS FILLED WITH NOXIOUS FUMES WHEN IT IS FINISHED LET COOL OUTSIDE ON THE WINDOW SILL LIKE PEOPLE DID BACK IN THE DEPRESSION DAYS WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE DUMP IT INTO THE TOILET AND WHEN ANYBODY ASKS "HEY...WHERE THE HELL IS THAT FRUITCAKE SALAD I BEEN WAITIN' ON" TELL THE FREAKING LOSER YOU ARE NOT THEIR DAMN SLAVE AND GO BUY THEIR OWN DAMN SHIT HAPPY HOLIDAYS Big Bill Boogers Bill boogers was made fun of his name Of course it didnt help that he had a serious sinus condition which always caused a nasal buildup that needed medical attention He wasnt trying to be offensive but if he sneezed in public it never failed that a loose one would fly out and stick to someones forhead He always had a hanky in his pocket for such occasions and a backup package of Kleenex in another pocket just in case plus he had business cards printed up he would hand out saying he was a retard Most people who knew him understood including his boss who was always dodging Bill right and left but still now and then would catch one right in the corner of his eye Somedays if he hadnt taken his nasal congestion medicine on time he could be like a machine gun spraying everybody in sight with garden fresh greenies But seriously Bill got his name honestly and it was a well respected family name that went back for centuries His true name was William O'Boogers the III meaning he was of the Booger clan and the family had a coat of arms to prove it His father William O'Boogers and William O'Boogers the second decided to drop the O and so Bill was known and his descendants from then on as not O'Boogers but just plain Boogers This way it would be easier for all the little Boogers There is some dispute as to how the family name came into being but sometime back in the 12th century Ireland we can find the first Boogers that stand out Apparently an irish nobleman name of Sean Patrick of the Booger clan married the wealthy daughter of a jewish bagel salesman name of Hannah Koozhiberg by whose union would provide the clan with big nose Boogers It is from this line we can trace this particular group of Boogers although we can be sure that Boogers were scattered all over Europe In fact Boogers branched out so far that we can find French Boogers Italian Boogers German Boogers and small pockets of Swiss Boogers Records prove that in 1717 a ships passage out of Kilkerry bound for New York had among its crew a boatswains mate one Rodger O'Booger proving that Boogers were shipped to the new world that early when Rodger settled in New York and became the first Booger to be planted in the colonies Boogers served with distinction throughout the Revolution and the Civil War Many Boogers were in recent wars as well including Viet Nam and Desert storm During WWII they were nicknamed the Wild Jungle Boogers serving in the South Pacific So even though people made fun of his name Bill didnt care He was one proud Booger Further investigation found that the name Booger itself was a Gaelic transliteration of the Latin Et Unum Grandius Which meant / I ate a big snot ball Job Offer Hello and welcome to radio classified This is WSHT's way of helping the job community Today we have a job offer from La Cosa Nostra Your local mafia recruiting station is now accepting applications from non-sicilians Italians , especially Neopolitans will be given first priority but Jews and Irish will also be given consideration depending upon experience Qualified applicants must have a police record and at least 3 years conviction either probation or time spent bi-lingual is not necessary but fluency in street talk is a must phrases such as "Forget about it" "Kill the muthafukka" and "Where's my money you piece of shit" and " Aayy Yo " must be a part of everyday usage those accepted will begin at entry level category - a friend of mine - after a 6 month review a promotion to - a friend of ours - is possible after a 12 month review a recruit may if he exceeds all job training requirements recieve a certificate of - WISEGUY - The rank of made guy is still limited to sicilians only but an equal and respected rank of - Dumbguy - has been initiated for non-sicilians There is a full benefit package and open salary So apply now you freakin mutts db THE WISH I wish I had a nickel for everytime I counted my money and then counted it later and found out I had miscounted it the first time and naturally there was not as much there as I had first thought And then it makes me think that maybe somebody took some and didnt tell me and I start to get suspicious and also feel a little guilty that maybe I should just count it better Yeah I wish I had a nickel for every time that happened Really do But only those indian head buffalo nickles Rare one like that Man that would be great Or even older ones like the V nickels / wow I'd keep some and sell some for a lot of dough baby db MEAN CHAIRS The chairs were neatly lined up in a row no one had ever sat on them no one dared to They were the mean chairs These were the kind of chairs that could fight lions in a cage or even bengal tigers for that matter these were chairs with balls real ones too that hung down right behind the do not tear off tag nobody messed with them they even had hats they wore backward chairs with hats and balls dont go near them they do drugs too they were the high chairs db It was back in the early days of America when James Bromfield set out to make his fortune as a trapper in the frontier wilderness He became a great friend to the Indians and a prosperous trader in beaver pelts He could have made a name in history as an early hero to the emerging colonial states but everything went wrong when he attempted to introduce disco dancing and high platform shoes to the Arapaho They thought he had a backward spirit and made him go away from them The Arapaho held a council meeting of all the lodges and decided that disco was dead and to keep wearing baggy pants and doing buffalo rap db It was Sasquatch mating season and all the animals in the forest knew it alright Not only could they smell the rank gas the males gave out but the females screeched like Iraqi war women // The sound was so inviting to the males and the males got the girls so hot with all their noxious fumes but the other forest animal became nearly insane Some of the wolves and bobcats actually committed themselves Six weeks of Yeti noise good god db He couldnt keep his eyes in his head They kept falling out One day he had to chase them down the street Another time a friend came up behind him and patted him on the back They flew out and stuck to the mensroom mirror But it happened all his life He was used to it When he was a kid his parents were always looking for them They soon tired of it and he ended up with duct tape strapped around his head with tiny peep holes in it When he was in school the girls wouldnt think it was so cute when his eyes would automatically pop out and land inside their blouses Talk about freaked out teenage girls And even now it was very embarrassing eating in a restaraunt and having to pick his eyes out of his soup But even so things could be worse He could have just 2 eyes instead of 3 db ........................................................................................... DAVID BERGMAN HUMOR RAMBLING THOUGHTS ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; IT'S NOT NICE TO CALL ANIMALS DUMB JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IS ON THEIR MIND MAYBE THEY CAN AND ARE JUST KEEPING IT A SECRET IF THAT'S TRUE WE SHOULD CALL THEM SECRET ANIMALS BUT THAT WOULD SOUND DUMB CRICKETS ARE COOL BECAUSE THEY CAN RUB THEIR LEGS TOGETHER AND MAKE A NEAT SOUND BUT THEY CAN'T CUP THEIR HANDS UNDER THEIR ARM PITS AND MAKE FART NOISES A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL WOULDN'T BE VERY GOOD UNLESS IT WAS KEPT IN A REFRIGERATOR HARD WORK IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS UNLESS YOU ARE ON A CHAIN GANG THE RAMBLING THOUGHTS OF AN IGNORANT MAN PRODUCE MUCH THAT IS USELESS LITTLE SISTER ;;;;;;;;;;;;; MOMMY IS A BEAUTY AND DADDY IS REAL DAPPER MY BROTHER IS IN THE ARMY AND MY SISTER IS A FLAPPER WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE SALLY SUE SHE'S MY SISTERS BESTEST FRIEND AND SHE'S A FLAPPER TOO THERE DRESS IS SHORT AND SO'S THEIR HAIR AND WHEN THEY GO DOWN THE STREET THEIR SKIRT FLIES UP FROM A GUST OF AIR AND THE BOYS ALL GET A TREAT DEEDLE DUMPKIN ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; DEEDLE DUMKIN WAS A BUMPKIN HIS WIFE WAS POLLY POON THEY HAD A SON NAMED BUCKYBUMM THE TOWNS BIGGEST BUFFOON HE WASN'T TALL BUT ON A WALL HE LOOKED DOWN ON ALL AROUND THEY' D LOOK AT HIM AND LAUGH ALL DAY CAUSE HIS PANTS HAD FALLEN DOWN NOW HIS BACKSIDE WAS SO BIG AND WIDE TOO WIDE FOR ANY CART SO WIDE AND FAT FOLKS PASSED OUT FLAT WHEN HE LET GO A FART NOW MAYOR DILL HAD HAD HIS FILL OF SMELLING BUCKYS BUMM SO ONE FINE DAY AS HE PASSED HIS WAY HE SHOT HIM WITH HIS GUN WITH BUCKY DEAD THE MAYOR FLED TO THE VILLAGE OVER THE HILL NOW THE STORY'S DONE WASN'T THAT JUST FUN WANT ME TO SAY IT AGAIN WELL I WILL DAVID BERGMAN PET LOVER I AM SO SO SORRY I WASN'T ABLE TO SEND OUT ANY COMMENTS YESTERDAY I KNOW HOW EVERYBODY DEPENDS ON THEM BUT I WAS UNAVOIDABLY DETAINED AND PREOCCUPIED YOU SEE.MY DOG WITH A SEVERE CASE OF WORMS AND WOULDN'T STOP DRAGGING HIS BUTT ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM RUG SO AFTER I BEAT HIM SENSELESS WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER AND LOCKED HIM IN THE CHEMICAL CLOSET AND PLUGGED MY EARS SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO HEAR HIM YELP ALL NIGHT I WENT TO THE STORE TO RENT ONE OF THOSE SHAMPOOERS OF COURSE WHEN I GOT HOME DON'T YOU KNOW THE MUTT WENT AND DIED ON ME SO NOW I WILL HAVE TO GET A SHOVEL NEXT WEEK AND WAIT TILL THE NEIGHBOR IS OUT SO I CAN BURY HIM IN HIS BACKYARD IF I DON'T FORGET/BECAUSE I FORGET ALL THE TIME CRAP LIKE THAT IN FACT I JUST REMEMBERED I NEVER HAD A DOG THE ONLY HOUSE PET I EVER HAD WAS A GOLD FISH THAT GOT TOO BIG FOR THE TANK SO I MADE A SANDWICH OUT OF HIM WASN'T BAD REALLY,TASTED LIKE CHICKEN I WONDER WHAT DOG WOULD TASTED LIKE? I WONDER IF I CAN GET MY MONEY BACK ON THE SHAMPOOER? HAVE A GREAT DAY AND AWESOME NIGHT,DONT LET THE BEDBUGS BITE UNLESS YOU ARE INTO THAT KIND OF THING DAVID BERGMAN AHH YES ITS APRIL ONCE AGAIN MY LITTLE CHICKADEES THE TIME FOR FOOLS AND FLOODS WELL MAYBE NOT FLOODS SO MUCH AS SHOWERS THAT COME ALONG CAN'T HAVE FLOWERS IN MAY IF IT DON'T RAIN TODAY MOTHER NATURE HAS A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS AND I HEAR SHE GOT A CUTE ASS TOO WELL WHY WOULDN'T SHE ANYWAY ODE TO APRIL AFTER ALL SPRING IS THE TIME WHEN ALL THE LITTLE FOREST CREATURES START TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH A GLEAM IN THEIR EYE AND NOT JUST FOREST CREATURES MIND YOU EVEN THOSE OF US THAT WALK UPRIGHT AND CARRY A BIG STICK GET SOME BIG IDEAS AS WELL SO IF YOU FIND YOURSELF DANCING AND SINGING IN THE RAIN OR JUST ENJOY GETTING WET BLOW MOTHER NATURE A KISS SHE CAN BE A MAJOR BITCH I KNOW BUT DON'T BE FOOLED SHE CAN BE AN AWESOME BABE TOO DAVID BERGMAN THE TOP TEN BEST PICKUP LINES NOT TO USE WHATS YOUR SIGN HOW LONG HAVE YOU LOVED ME DO YOU LIKE PINA COLADS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE DRAIN DO YOU LIKE TO SIT IN PUDDLES IS THAT MY FACE IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME DO YOU EVER DRINK TILL YOU PUKE WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU EVER STEPPED IN COW SHIT ( FOR COUNTRY GIRLS MOSTLY ) DO YOU LET A GUY LICK YOUR NOSTRILS ON THE FIRST DATE I'VE GOT A BIG BOX YES I DO / I'VE GOT A BIG BOX HOW BOUT YOU DO YOU EVER SHUT THE FORK UP THE BONUS LINE NOT TO USE IS HEY YOU WITH THE HAIRY MOLE - YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MY MOM PREFERRED OPENING LINE RECOMMENDED BY TOP PICKUP ARTISTS NORMALLY I GO FOR FAT BALDING CHICKS THAT HAVE NECK TATTOOS AND PIMPLES WITH PIG SNOUT NOSE RINGS THAT LIKE TO WEAR TUBE TOPS TO WALMART TO SHOW OFF THEIR BELLY ROLLS TO THE SOUND OF FLIP FLOPS SLAPPING BELOW THEIR CANKLES BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE FUN TO TALK TO ANYWAY YOUR PLACE IS FINE POEM LITTLE SISTER ;;;;;;;;;;;;; MOMMY IS A BEAUTY AND DADDY IS REAL DAPPER MY BROTHER IS IN THE ARMY AND MY SISTER IS A FLAPPER WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE SALLY SUE SHE'S MY SISTERS BESTEST FRIEND AND SHE'S A FLAPPER TOO THERE DRESS IS SHORT AND SO'S THEIR HAIR AND WHEN THEY GO DOWN THE STREET THEIR SKIRT FLIES UP FROM A GUST OF AIR AND THE BOYS ALL GET A TREAT BABYJANE ;;;;;;;; AS I LOOK OUT MY WINDOW ON A DAY IN EARLY SPRING I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND BUT HERE'S ONE THING THE TREES THAT WERE NAKED AN BARE AS CAN BE ARE NOW SPROUTING NEW GREEN OF NEWLY SHOWN LEAVES THEY'RE TALL AND THEY STRETCH RIGHT UP TO THE SKY WITH SHADOW AND SHADE AND NATURAL BEAUTY TO PROVIDE NOW DOWN AT THE BASE OF THE TRUNK MEETS A FREIND OF SEEDS THAT WERE PLANTED TO MEET A CERTAIN END HATCHLINGS THAT HAVE BROKEN FREE OF ITS SHELL BOTH OF MALE AND FEMALE BUT NO ONE CAN TELL NOT UNTIL THEY GROW UP AS THEY WILL WILL THE SHADY LADY SHOW OFF HER HOT SKILL NOW SHE MAY NOT LOOK LIKE A TULIP OR ROSE BUT WHAT SHE'S GOT TO OFFER EVERY COUGHER KNOWS BUT THE COUGHING IS THERE JUST TO OPEN THE LUNGS AND SHE IS SO SWEET TO HER MANY SONGS ARE SUNG BUT NOW SHE'S A BABY AND OH BABY SHE'LL STAY WHEN I ROLL HER AND HOLD HER AND HAVE MY OWN WAY DEEDLE DUMPKIN ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; DEEDLE DUMKIN WAS A BUMPKIN HIS WIFE WAS POLLY POON THEY HAD A SON NAMED BUCKYBUMM THE TOWNS BIGGEST BUFFOON HE WASN'T TALL BUT ON A WALL HE LOOKED DOWN ON ALL AROUND THEY' D LOOK AT HIM AND LAUGH ALL DAY CAUSE HIS PANTS HAD FALLEN DOWN NOW HIS BACKSIDE WAS SO BIG AND WIDE TOO WIDE FOR ANY CART SO WIDE AND FAT FOLKS PASSED OUT FLAT WHEN HE LET GO A FART NOW MAYOR DILL HAD HAD HIS FILL OF SMELLING BUCKYS BUMM SO ONE FINE DAY AS HE PASSED HIS WAY HE SHOT HIM WITH HIS GUN WITH BUCKY DEAD THE MAYOR FLED TO THE VILLAGE OVER THE HILL NOW THE STORY'S DONE WASN'T THAT JUST FUN WANT ME TO SAY IT AGAIN WELL I WILL DAVID BERGMAN HIGH CHAIR THOUGHTS WHEN I GET BIG I'D LIKE A SWIG OF COFFEE JUST LIKE MOM SHE LIKES CREAM AND SUGAR SOMEDAY SHE'LL GIVE ME SOME BUT RIGHT NOW JUICE FROM A COW'S BEEN MY DRINK ALL ALONG AND IF I DRINK IT EVERYDAY I'LL GET BIG AND STRONG I CAN DRINK IT JUST PLAIN WHITE OR DRINK IT CHOCOLATE BROWN BUT I'D BETTER NEVER EVER TRY TO DRINK IT UPSIDE DOWN CAUSE OF I DO IT WILL FALL THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS AND MOMMY MIGHT GET MAD AT ME AND SPANK MY LITTLE TUSH MILK MILK MILK IT'S GOOD FOR ME AND ALL THE KIDS I KNOW MOMMY PUTS IT IN BOTTLES AND TAKES IT EVERYWHERE WE GO I PUT THE BOTTLE IN MY MOUTH I LOVE IT LIKE A FRIEND BUT IT'S A GOOD THING I WEAR DIAPERS CAUSE IT COMES OUT THE OTHER END DAVID BERGMAN ADDZ MISTER FUKKLEFARDFACEFATFINGER ALWAYS FELT LEFT OUT OF THE FESTIVITIES OH SURE HE COULD ALWAYS FIND SOME THROWN AWAY HALLMARK CARDS IN THE TRASH WITH SOMEBODIES GUM ON IT HE COULD STICK TO HIS CUBICLE WALL AND THEY WOULD PUT FRUITCAKES ON HIS DESK WITH HIS PICTURE STAPLED TO IT BUT WHEN HE PASSED PEOPLE IN THE HALL THEY WOULD ALWAYS STARE AND POINT AS IF HE HAD BLOODY DROOL SOPPING OUT THE CORNERS OF HIS GROTESQUE QUASIMODO MOUTH BUT THINGS SEEMED TO CHANGE A LITTLE WHEN HE BROUGHT HIS PET TURTLE “NERTZ” TO WORK AND HAD THEM PET IT SOON HE GOT THE BRIGHT IDEA TO PUT IT IN HIS BATMAN UNDERWEAR WHICH DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL HE GOT A FEW TAKERS OF COURSE BUT MOST POLITELY DECLINED WITH A HARRUMPH AND THE FINGER THE NEW KID IN THE MAILROOM WAS BEING A PEST EVER SINCE HE GAVE HIM HIS OLD SOCKS AND A HALF A BOLOGNA AND BREAD SANDWICH AT THE CIRCLE K BARN DANCE IT WAS ALWAYS “HEY MISTER FUKKLEFARDFACEFATFINGER” THIS OR “HEY MISTER FUKKLEFARDFACEFATFINGER' THAT SOMETIMES HE COULDN'T EVEN GET HIS WORK DONE WITH HAVING TO TELL THE KID HIS LIFE STORY AND WHEN HE RAN OUT OF THE COOL STUFF TO SAY HE WOULD START IN ON HIS FAMILY LIKE HIS DAD “BOILS” OR HIS MOM “SCABBY” DANG IT ALL IF HE DIDN'T LIKE TO GROWL AT THE DOGS IN HIS NEIGHBORHOOD HIS LANDLADY MISS WRINKLES LIKED WHEN HE SCARED AWAY THE MUTTS BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS BARKING AT HER PUSSY SHE FELT SORRY FOR THE THREE LEGGED DOG THOUGH AND ONLY TRIPPED HIM ONCE TOP O' THE MORNING TO YA MISTER FUKKLEFARDFACEFATFINGER SHE WOULD ALWAYS SHRIEK AT HIM TO WHICH HE WOULD SHRUG HIS SHOULDERS AND SKIP TO THE BUS STOP AS HE GROWLED AT DOGS AND THOUGHT OF STUFF TO TALK ABOUT AT WORK AND WONDERED WHY A 43 YEAR OLD MAN HAD SUCH EXTREME ACNE ON HIS SCROTUM I GUESS IF YOU WERE TO ASK MISTER FUKKLEFARDFACEFATFINGER IF HE WAS A HAPPY MAN HE WOULD JUST WHISPER TO HIMSELF AND WALK AWAY BECAUSE HE IS A GEEK DB JUNK YES MY DEAR I KNOW YOU ARE NEAR AT LEAST THE PUSH OF A BUTTON AWAY IT DOES MY HEART GOOD TO KNOW THAT I COULD GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU ANY DAY BUT WHEN YOU ARE NOT PRESENT IT IS STILL BEYOND PLEASANT TO HAVE A FRIEND LIKE YOU SO PRETTY AND SWEET AND IF DAYS SHOULD GO BY THEN YOUR PICS GET A SIGH IM A GUY THAT IS BLESSED AT YOUR FEET I COULD SAY YOU'RE COOL AND SOUND LIKE A KID STILL IN SCHOOL BUT THOSE YEARS ARE A DISTANCE FROM ME NOW BUT I COULD ALWAYS SAY THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE DAY THAT YOU ARE A TEN AND A WOW ODD FART HOW TO CUT THE ODD FART THE ODD FART IS IN A CLASS BY ITSELF AS OPPOSED TO THE EVEN FART EVEN FARTS HAVE A STEADY STREAM THAT FLOWS OUT GENTLY WHEN THE EVEN FART IS CUT IT IS USUALLY FOLLOWED BY SOMEONE NEARBY SAYING “ DID YOU EVEN JUST FART RIGHT NOW?” MANY TIMES THE EVEN FART IS ALSO CLASSIFIED AS A SILENT KILLER AND PEOPLE WILL IMAGINE A GREEN FOG IS HOVERING ABOVE AT THE TIME THIS IS NOT THE CASE BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE TO LOWER SPECIES OF ANIMAL LIFE IT IS SO THAT THE GREEN FOG IS APPARENT THAT WE DO NOT SEE THE EVEN FART CAN BE SUBDIVIDED INTO CATEGORIES OF AUDIBLE AND INAUDIBLE THE WAY TO SPOT HE WHO DEALT IT IN AN INAUDIBLE FART IS TO SEE WHO IS THE FIRST TO LOOK AROUND AS IF SOMEONE ELSE DID IT HAVING NO WARNING AS TO THE SILENT KILLER THOSE NEARBY WILL HAVE NO TIME TO CLOSE THEIR MOUTH AS WITH A LOUD AND RAUKOUS ODD FART THERE IS A FINE DISTINCTION AS TO WHEN BREAKING WIND STOPS AND FARTING BEGINS THE TRUE FART IS A MATURE FART THAT HAS HAD PRACTICE WHEREAS INFANTS AND TODDLERS WILL BREAK WIND AND THE REACTION TO SUCH IS LAUGHTER WHEN A CHILD BEGINS TO ACTUALLY FART THE LAUGHTER BECOMES “GEEZ GO TO THE BATHROOM OR SOMETHING WILL YA” IT IS AT THIS POINT WHEN A CHILD UNDERSTANDS THEY ARE TRUE FARTISTS AND THE ETTIQUITE OF WHEN AND WHERE TO FART IS NOW IN FOCUS FARTING IN SCHOOL IS EXPECTED BUT ONLY IF ONE HAS SUFFICIENTLY TRAINED THEMSELVES TO MAKE IT AN EVEN FART AND IF UNABLE TO DO SO MAKING A NOISE AT THE SAME TIME SUCH AS COUGHING OR BANGING THEIR DESK ON THE FLOOR THIS COMES IN HANDY LATER ON IN LIFE IN THE WORK PLACE OR EVEN CHURCH WHICH IS EASY TO DO WHEN THE HYMN IS BEING SUNG NOW THE ODD FART IS PRETTY MUCH UNEXPECTED TO BOTH HE WHO DEALS IT AND ITS VICTIMS DEALING THE ODD FART IS USUALLY WHEN ONE FIGURES THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT AND PRODUCE A SILENT OR LOW KEY EMISSION BUT TURNS OUT TO BE A RIPE OLD FIZZ FAZZ OR SHABANG OF COURSE THOSE IN THE VICINITY WILL IMMEDIATELY RESPOND WITH A RETALIATION OF NOSE CRINKLING AND VERBAL ASSAULTS AS IF THEY NEVER HAVE RIPPED A LALAPALOOZA THEMSELVES EVEN THOSE TYPES OF ODD CABBAGE NOSE HAIR CURLERS CAN BE HYSTERICAL TO A CHILD STILL IN THE INTERIM OF GOING FROM BREAKING WIND TO SERIOUSLY CUTTING THE CHEESE WHEN ASKED BY A PARENT TO PULL THEIR FINGER BUT WILL MAKE A CHILD HIDE THEIR FACE IN SHAME IF THAT PARENT TEARS ONE WHILE AT A TEACHER CONFERENCE THERE IS NO HARD AND FAST WAY TO PRACTICE THE ODD FART EXCEPT TO TRY AND REGULATE THE AUDIO LEVEL THERE HAVE BEEN IN FACT CONTESTS TO SEE WHO CAN PRODUCE THE LONGEST AND LOUDEST RUMBLEFITZKIN WHICH CAN BE DIFFICULT WHEN YEARS OF TRAINING TO THE OPPOSITE ENDEAVOR HAS BEEN DISCIPLINED TO TRY AND WORK UP A SKIDMARKER AND ONLY COME UP WITH A TOOTPOP CAN BE HUMILIATING DIET PLAYS A BIG ROLE IN THAT SO ONE SHOULD PREPARE FOR SUCH EVENTS WITH A HEALTHY MEXICAN MEAL AND BESIDES BEANS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR HEART THE MORE YOU EAT THE MORE YOU FART THE MORE YOU FART THE BETTER YOU FEEL SO EAT SOME BEANS WITH EVERY MEAL

Looking 4 Love Date Mate Dot Com Online Singles Service Profile Introduction Hi my name is Url I don't usually do this kind of thing but a friend of mine told me about it and after he got lucky I thought why not give it a try, what have I got to lose? So here I am Let me tell you a little about myself I'm just a regular kind of guy with normal interests and desires I was brought up in a small town where everybody knew each other Apple pie and Norman Rockwell The kind of place where people were not the kind to talk behind our back If they had something to say they would just say it to your face They would get in your face and just say it whether you liked it or not so I guess you could say I am a people kind of person I am divorced after 15 years Sometimes people just go their seperate ways and as long as the bitch keeps going that's ballin' with me She has the kids so I don't have to worry about anybody but myself now Midlife crisis? I guess you could say that But at 52 I consider it a challenge to be met an obstacle to be hurdled and I am a can do kind of guy Some people say I am brimming with confidence One guy said it was arrogance so I gave him a fat lip I have been in the construction business and am a professional bucket carrier by trade but currently I am unemployed but should be receiving my unemployment checks in about two weeks None of this would have been necessary but I was let go after that pussy got the fat lip Enough about me Sometimes I don't know when to stop lol What kind of woman am I looking for? To me looks are superficial and true beauty comes from within and I suppose I would rather have a homely woman who feels she is lucky to have me and is so grateful that I looked her way that she is willing to do whatever I demand of her Looks aren't important but money is So if you are broke don't waste my time But then again if you are loaded let's get in touch / I think we could hit it off My needs are simple I simply want to be bought a lot of fancy clothes and eat in 4 star restaurants and maybe have a couple of sports cars and live in a penthouse suite Is that to your taste? If not we will change that soon enough We should also have a maid cause don't look at me if you think I am even going to help pick up around the house If you already have a maid let me know if she is between the ages of 17 and 23 and hopefully she is spanish If not I will help you pick a new one And tell the bimbo to shut it in the morning cause I might wake up with a headache after being out with my friends all night One thing I can't stomach is some bitch yakking at me first thing So watch it or you culd end up getting rapped in the pie whole with a newspaper or getting shmooshed in the puss with a grapefruit If you are looking for a love relationship filled with nurturing and caring plus healthy and active physical contact don't worry cause I will nail you right off just to say we did it But after that I got a custom made wooden dildo with my name carved on the side if you gotta have it so bad / hows that? / ok?Do I sound like the kind of guy you're looking for? Hope so Hey let me know and I will be happy to put down my beer to read your reply So that's it Call me and let's get together sometime Brewbelly_da_14u@geezer.com db

Bloody Naked Dead Whore The sun came out and the clouds were disappearing on that oh so perfect day It's warmth had arrived from so far away just to caress the skin while the gentle breeze kissed the face like an angels whisper Looking skyward with a smile of love and thankfulness mother earth herself is abundant with life in her provision of flowers like a forest of lollipops that release it's fragrance as a gift given back to the rainbow That's just about the time when the shit hit the fan And that crazy good for nothing mother fucker started carving up that sore covered two bit whore with a switch blade turning her into dog food before the fuzz grabbed his worthless psycho ass and threw him in solitary for good db

The Expert The lecture hall was filled and professor Schmitzky was about to take to the stage As the leading expert in his field everyone was curious if he would go against traditional thinking and bring up new evidence and possibly create division among his colleges Even the president was waiting online to find out before he made any new decisions But the professor fooled everyone All he did was wave his arms and cluck like a chicken for 30 solid minutes while amazement filled the room The shear brilliance of his exhibition drove the lecture hall wild Even those that kicked off their shoes and chewed their toenails in protest could not deny his genius To conclude the lecture he slowly mooned the crowd and hopped off the stage on one foot He received a standing ovation Bravo db